It had been three years; it wasn’t earth shattering, it wasn’t a big deal. He was nice, intelligent, had a high earning potential. Tall, broad-shouldered, dark curly hair with glasses. Queer minded. The kind of man I like. Except he was timid. I’ve become used to being the pursuer – it’d be a long lonely lesbian life if I was unwilling to pursue. But if I’m to be with (in the biblical sense) a man, I don’t want to pursue as hard.
I shouldn’t complain. He was safe, and maybe that’s why I liked him so quickly. I felt comfortable being the aggressor because he was a man. I would never have been so aggressive with a woman so quickly for fear I was pushing something on her she didn’t want. I knew he could throw me off if he wanted, so I wasn’t afraid of that. Maybe that’s sexist, maybe it’s just common sense. I’m really not sure.
He had nice lips, a good kisser. Hair to run my fingers through. I mostly just wanted him to lesbian fuck me. No real desire to touch his penis. My straight friend says she feels this way for a while with a new man. I slept with him anyway. It was awkward, as first times with new partners usually are. I didn’t like his surprise dirty talk. I didn’t like the lack of chemistry. I didn’t like his passive demeanor. I quickly grew tired of being the aggressor.
A few weeks and a bad date later I brought him home again. I liked him, wished he fit my needs a little better. Just wanted to make out, and we did. It was nice. Then he told me he had missed me and I pulled all of me away.
I didn’t see him again.
He would have been sweet to me. He would have been kind and gentle. He might have even loved me if I had let him.
I don’t want a man’s love. I want dirty, rough, throw-me-down sex with a safe, attractive, intelligent man. I’ve loved men before, but my current queerness is shifted again. I enjoy the attention of men, but I worship women. Women make me crazy, women can hurt me, I want dirty sex with women too, but I want to cook dinner for them and take dancing lessons with them and marry one someday. All I want with a man is a mutual respect and understanding that we’re using each other for our bodies for a little while.
This is exactly what I'm going through. Except that you are way more sexually active than me :/ I'm very passive though, when it comes to women. With men, a lot of the time its just physical, no emotional attachment. I just feel jaded and lonely, I don't want to have to try so hard with a woman and I usually.... Urgh, what type of fuckery is this?
ReplyDeleteHey gwyn, I'm glad you found my blog! (How did you find it? - it's been a while since I've updated it)
ReplyDeleteI've figured out that my sexuality shifts, my desire to be aggressive or the top or the passive one shifts as well, and the best thing to do about it is be ok with it. I like sex. I like a lot of types of people. And trust me, I strike out A LOT. But I put it out there a lot, so I win some of the time.